Harry Potter And The Cheap Rock
by shawarshmelo
Summary: There is a war brewing and Snape is not behind the potion. Read about how your favorite heroes ( and villains and none important sideline characters ) are being hunted down and killed by none other than their muggle, movie, acting selves. Will they survive the whole book series, or not? More of a crack of Fun-fiction really.
1. That-little-dude-that-got-out-alive

It was Halloween Night and everything was dark and jolly. Children were running through the streets high on caffeine, with parents being pulled along resenting the decision not to use protection. The Potter 'not so secret' secret located household was getting ready for the special holiday, too. They are going to make an epic journey around the neighborhood to T-P the houses of the people they hated most.

One Harry James Potter was dressed in a snake costume, 'because they were all out of cats and dogs'. Lily Evans Potter was trying to keep the little guy still while walking down the stairs and James Orion Potter manned the door with a candy shotgun. Old Professor Dumbledore sat in the living room eating some sort of candy he found laying around on the ground.

Everything was going fine until a loud knock was heard through the door, to loud for a child or teen to be capable of doing. James slowly made his way to the door loaded candy gun in hand. Behind it stood a man with long flip-y black hair, a rainbow colored cloak, and a white hockey mask, "Hello, James."

"Um, hi."

After a few minutes of staring, the man started singing, "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat, if you don't, I don't care I will just...KILL YOU, Avada Kedavra!"

The Useless Curse hit James.

He, being very affected by the loud noise with his hearing problem, fell down and started having a seizure on the floor. His ears were bleeding from the torture and many things got knocked down around his still flailing body. The man felt sorry so he muttered the real curse quietly,"Abracadabra." James died painfully.

Finally figuring out that he should see what the commotion is, Dumbledore walks into the room. When he sees his passed favorite student and ex-lover standing suspiciously over James he starts to panic. Thinking Tom is after his lazy ass to get revenge after leaving him, Dumbledore snaps his fingers in a Z-formation and says, "Like, no way Riddle. No way you're getting your fingers on this fine package again," and flashes out leaving a mushroom cloud in his place. Voldemort screams, making Lily trip and Harry cry.

Quickly, Tom turns to them, enraged.

"Lily, you have defied me for the last time," He said cruelly.

"I just fucking fell down the stairs," She shouts from the floor. "I mean what's with you Dark Lords always getting into other peoples businesses."

Tom was taken back," I ha-."

"And you just killed my husband for no reason at all, other than whipping your so 'called supporters' asses! That's not Dark Lord-ish, that's bad sportsmanship!"

He was afraid now, " but-."

Lily starts standing up, "But no, you need to cool down! Just because your mom was a prostitute, your daddy was smart enough to leave her, and you were left in an orphanage does not mean you can make everyone else's lives miserable! That's not cold or dark! Now I'm going to have to raise my boy Harry alone! Do you know how hard it is to be a single mother! I don't, but I do know it's harder than two people raising a child!"

Tom started feeling like a jerk. How could he be so evil and destroy this wonderful woman's life? "I just wanted to kill Dumbledore," He whispered.

Lily sighed, "Don't we all."

"Wait, you hate Dumbledore too," Tom says shocked.

"Of course, who does. After he tried to convince James to join his 'Jr. Glee Club' he took the top number 1 on my resentment list," She says scowling.

"I thought I was the only one with a grudge match with him."

"No, we all have a reasons to hate him."

"Like his constant 'for the greater good angle'," Tom injected.

"Yeah! And his scheming behind people's backs."

"I thought I only noticed that." Lily shakes her head sadly. "Well I guess that I won't be able to do anything now," Tom pouts, his head low in shame.

Lily tilts her head, "Why not?"

Tom lifts his head up, "Because you're going to bring me to justice, right?"

Lily shakes her head amused, " What justice? Besides, I have a far grander idea."


	2. The Mother-Ducker

Everything was normal at 'Little Whiners Park'. Well, as normal as a zoo could be. The zoo started when a drunken man bet his money on an abandoned amusement park.

The man, after being divorced by his wife for spending all their money on a 'crap land with a pile of shit all over it', began searching everywhere for odd and amusing things to collect and then charged people to see. When he finally had enough money, he went to a bar and nine months later had a baby to look after.

The park was passed down from generation to generation because the family still couldn't afford an actual house. Its main attractions varied from strange objects to talking animals that they "captured" from the "wild", to weird people. Strange objects were kept in an underground dug out known as 'Downstairs'.

The most famous talking animals were in cage 4 in section 'Private Parts Driven Mad'. One animal looked like a giraffe with its long neck. Another was shorter than the others and resembled a pig. The last had to be related to a walrus. Oddly they all had human faces and the only thing they could say was "freak!" The one and only weird person that actually stayed willingly was an old lady that for some reason needed to constantly be surrounded by cats.

The family that lived at 'Little Whiners Park' now consisted of a couple and their illegally adopted son, Harry. Harry James Potter was found one morning in cage 4, section 'Private Parts Driven Mad' wearing a snake costume playing in the water bowl. The couple could never conceive a child due to a minor problem and thought best just to raise the young boy.

Though the family never thought to go to the police or notify any form of child services, therefor never got legal rights for having Harry. So when ever someone actually went to the zoo, Harry would be stuffed in the closest closet until the coast was clear. At this moment Harry was cleaning, like he always did. A happy, hairy, Harry hummed a new holiday tune.

"Harry, did you flip the sign to open?" Came a voice down the hall.

"Yes Max!" Harry replied.

To the left, another voice said,"What about Breakfast?"

"It's on the table, Sam!" Answered Harry. Harry was used to the morning's craziness, he does live, after all in a zoo. Especially since he was raised by such an odd couple.

It was hard to understand how they kept being a couple, since they were polar opposites. Sam was a hardcore, off roading, hands dirty, badass kind of guy. While Max was someone you would imagine Cupid to grow up to be. He'd prance around all day playing matchmaker and giving tips on how to have healthy relationships. Harry thinks that the reason they are so perfect together is because they're so different.

That's right people, Harry Potter was raised by two homosexuals. And Harry couldn't imagine being raised any other way.

One day when Harry was six he asked how he was born after listening to a rather naughty teen outside his closet door. Max said that their, "_love for each other was so passionate that it gave them powers to do the_ _impossible_."

Harry shivered.

It took him years to find out what that actually entailed. Though even with their many faults, Max and Sam were the best fathers Harry could ask for.

'_Master please, release me. Please young Master, I must be free!'_

Harry's head didn't even look up at the gigantic snake.

"Oh no, you are not getting your slim everywhere again," snapped Harry.

As Harry walked away, he could hear the snake say,'_Nooooo! Freedom; so close, but so far away.' _Just then, the glass vanished. '_Freedom!'_

Max and Sam were having breakfast when they heard Harry scream. Sam ran down the hall towards Harry to see...him wrestling a large snake?

"No way you're getting away you mother-ducker!" Harry screams at the top of his lungs.


	3. Hagord

Harry Potter would have never thought he could be apart of some secret world. He's seen all the things that normal people think are 'magic' and its pretty depressing compared to the real stuff. His father's ounce tried to convince him that over the rainbow fierce leprechaun warriors guarded gold, that unicorns do exist and their horns are made out of pure sugar sticks, and that a humongous pregnant bunny comes around town each year to give birth to small eggs in everyone's backyards.

After that failed, they decided to tell the truth, the truth being that 'magic' is the happy feeling you get when something great happens. The bubbly feeling. Like when you get away with not doing homework or scaring a friend and after you both laugh or even singing in a car with your family.

So the moment Harry walked into Dragon Ally with some intoxicated drug addicted half giant, he knew the 'secret world' was definitely not magical. It was a humid summer day but that didn't seem to stop the Ally to be filled with peoples of all sorts. The street was cracked and the air smelt of a burning cigarettes. The only things Harry could see was a rainbow, as multi colored robes mixed with one another.

Harry turned to his companion as a group of giggling school girls passed by,"Is this a joke?"

The walking brown haired carpet gave a grunt of confusion.

_Unbelievable,_ thought Harry.

This all started two days ago. A few months after the snake incident, 'Little Whiners Park' had a customer. Harry and his fathers found him banging his head against the glass of an exhibit. When they finally got him to stop and his concussion subsided, he started mumbling the most strangest things. He said he kept all the keys to a magical castle in Scotland and that the Headmaster of said castle wants Harry to come learn wizard stuff and that Harry had to defeat a Dark Lord that no one knows is still alive. Of course his family immediately pack up all of his things and sent him to go with the lonely stranger. Harry thinks he heard them talking about needing a good vacation from him.

_Fantastic._

The only reason Harry really went along was that the key keeper creeper also said that Harry was rich and famous in the wizarding world. So far no one has even glanced his way yet. Harry was getting suspicious. The big man was having trouble just standing up, so he'd ask later.

The first stop was to the 'magical' worlds bank, named GreenGuts. The 'bank' used to be a beautiful white marble building. At least thats what Harry thinks it must have looked like, for all that stands now is rable. Between the ruined pillars and walls was a massive mountain of gold.

With so much gold laying in one place you'd think everyone would be climbing over one another just to get some. They would be too, if it weren't for the goblins. Hundreds of thousands of them. They didn't seem as monstrous as they come across in stories. Because all of them...every...single...one...was...twerking. They were scattered everywhere on the hill of gold moving their hips to the latest pop music.

When Harry and Mr. Pot-Belly approached the chaotic scene the music stopped and all their soulless eyes pointed toward them. One goblin wearing disco pants stepped forward. His voice was scratchy like nails on blackboard, "Greedings greedy travelers. Have you come to trade entertainment for gold?"

Brown beard made a sound between a purr and a bark.

"Excuse me?" Harry said.

The goblin gave us a blank stare, "Well, don't you know we can't just have just anyone walking around with are gold? No twerking, no talent. No talent, no gold."

"Bu me ha a kay?" The man leaned forward, his face pouting, his words slurred and his hand out, in it a very small key

"I repeat," The goblin said coldly. "No twerking, no talent. No talent, no gold." It bard it's teeth and snarled at them. His brothers followed. They were all looking at them like hungry maniacs.

The dirty trenchcoat quietly picked up Harry and raced back up the Alley. Once they got far enough away, the son of a giant bitch took Harry from his shoulders and put him on the ground. "Sor-fy Horry," he sniffled.

"It's ok," Harry lied. Nothing was going Harry's way. Nothing ever did.

"Na ise note!" The man fell on his ass and broke down crying. "Na ya want be apple tab-at any-a-thang. Mama were rote; me am tis roset wizard-ty every."

Harry patted him on the back, "There. There, monsterman."

The monster man looked up, "Me Hagord."

"Ok Hagord. I'll try to call you that instead."

Hagord made a pouty face as music playing distantly in the background. The crowded street seems even more packed and started to separate down the middle, letting a group of people all wearing glasses pass through. There was so many people talking that the noise was unbearable.

Harry shouted over the voices to Hagord, "What's going on?"

Hagord shrugged, looking just confused as Harry. They followed the group back down to the twerking goblins. As the group approached, the goblins said the same thing they had said before to Hagord and Harry. One person from the group stepped forward and showed a slip of paper to the goblins. They trembled and hissed, but reluctantly brought up a large bag for each member of the group.

"What the frick-frack?" Harry whispered and started walking forward.

Something dawned on Hargord's face and he tried to pull Harry back. Harry wouldn't have that. He weaved through the crowd and appeared right behind the group.

"Who the Helen are you and how did you do that?" demanded Harry.

Everyone turned to Harry then to the group. One person from the group stepped forward and took off his sunglasses. Harry almost took a step back. The boy before him was about the same age as himself. He had blue eyes, a deep bloody red scar on his forehead, and like most people was taller than Harry.

"The name's Daniel Radcliffe, the leader of the Movie-niers, and we just did that because we're better than you," Daniel said with a blank expression on his face. "Have gold peasant," He tossed some of his gold.

It hit Harry's dumbfounded face and he fell backwards.


	4. Two Babies Attacked

Harry woke up in a stranger's bed. There was a smell of beer on the sheets and the mattress was as hard as rocks. The room was dark as the curtains and cramped. A pair of clothes lay on the bed. Harry was confused, disoriented, and most of all pissed.

_How dare that Daniel Radcliffe guy do that to him!_

After a few minutes of brooding, Harry got changed and started to explore. One door led to a closet, the next to a washroom. Finally a door lead to a hallway. Down the hallway was a big room. The room was the very same bar Hagord and Harry had to walk through to get to the 'magical' world. Harry looked around the room and found a familiar hairy brown mass in the corner. Harry sat across from his companion. He appeared more sober than usually, but that was changing quickly as he used alcohol as milk to his cereal.

"How was your morning?" Harry asked. "What happened after, you know."

Hagord grunted and got the bartender to bring a bowl and some milk over, "Ya meh af-er ya pase ou."*

Harry nodded.

"Weh ya we ou col, su me bat ya e roh ta say eh an go ah tis thangs oh tis soup-lie lis weh tha moan-ny Da-hal ga ya."*

"Thank you," Harry said. He poured himself some cereal and started eating, "Not for the food, its disgusting, but for everything else." After they were done the bartender came back to take their dishes and money.

Hagord made no sign of moving, "Me aim-age-ine ya ha queeze-stones."*

Harry did. "I thought you said I was famous, why did no one notice me? Why did everyone notice Daniel Radcliffe? Who is he? Who are the Movie-niers? Why were they all wearing sunglasses? Where those goblins twerking on that gold? I thought you said that was my gold!?"

Hagord sighed and looked around for more liquor, "So done. Me'll es-pain ah o ah. Jus oh ba oh, osay?"*

Harry nodded and Hagord did explain. He explained that the wizarding world was once at war with a group of muggles who thought they were superior and that magic was just little tricks. They thought they should replace the average wizard. A young Albus Dumbledore defeated them with his own group. Sadly people in that group thought they were superior to muggles and that all muggle-related things should be killed or burned. Albus Dumbledore then had to defeat them to save the magical and muggle world. After the magical world went crazy. They didn't know who to follow and many people tried to answer the call. Thier ways were extreme. One person was named Voldemort, but he was more of a monster, really. He changed the balance of the piece. Battles began. When the muggles realized the wizards were incapable of defending them, they sent the Movie-niers. The Movie-nier's every action is recorded and played for their supervisors, almost like a muggle movie, hence the name. They're like the muggle's watch dogs and secret army. The fight finally stopped one night when four babies were attacked.

"Ye we oh oh tem, Horry Poet-ter. Ah's tis we-son ye're fa-ous," Hagord said. "Ahs we pep-el e-her loe ye oe hah ye, tay're till frigh-tong oh-er woh tay thonk we-ally an-ed tis ar."*

"Then why did no one magical notice me?" Harry asked.

"Weh ye done hah an-a no-tis-o-boul fea-tahs. Us na oh ha-as sen-y ye an oh lang tie," Hagord shrugged.*

"Daniel was the another baby attacked," it was more of a comment than a question.

Hagord sighed, "eh."*

"Wait, that doesn't explain why the goblins were twerking over all of my gold," Harry said.

Hagord looked uncomfortable, "Weh, tie oh ga ye hum oh ye-er da-s. Tay'll ga an-ga eh ye-er go to-ot log." He got up and started walking away.*

"Hagord, tell me."

He kept walking.

"Hagord!"

* * *

Harry Potter wasn't much of a crier. He learned that much from his father Sam. 'Crying for wimps,' Sam would say. He was about as hard as steel. Max on the other hand, was anything but.

"My little baby's growing all up," Max sobbed at King's Cross train station. "Going off to a boarding school in Scotland. I don't even remember when you were at a normal school." He sneezed into Sam's neck.

"Max, he'll be ok. Remember he's got Hedwig to look after him-," Harry looks down at the family's owl. The big fat bird started back at him menacingly. "-and Harry?"

Harry looked at Sam. "If something happens like...like last time," Sam said, glancing around. "You'll punch them in the face right?"

Max slapped Sam on the chest, "He will do no such thing. Never resort to violence."

Sam winked at Harry, "Right."

Max rolled his eyes, "Unbelievable."

Harry watched his parents fight. It was always funny when they did. Even if he'd never admit it to them, his going to miss them a lot. He wasn't sure of this new 'secret' world. He knew that once he stepped on the train, he'd be suched in to it, his whole life would change. It was a scary thought.

Harry turned impatant, "Guys I got to go." They insisted on one last hug and picture. Max said they should take one each year, like an annual thing. Sam said that was stupid, but he had a smile on his face and mist in his eyes.

Harry grabbed his travel case and owl. He didn't look back, just kept walking, looking for the right Platform. When Harry couldn't find it after a few minutes of looking, he went to a person that looked like they worked there and told him his problem.

"Well," the man in the blue cap said. "That's because the train you're looking for doesn't exist anymore."

Harry's mouth fell open.

"Oh, don't worry. Theres a train that leads...to...the...exact...same...place," He said touching Harry's nose at each word.

Harry hated being treated like a child.

"Its right over there," the man said pointing to an average looking trian. "Have a safe trip and a good day."

Harry went and got on. The front of the train had compartments that looked like they needed to be reserved ahead of time. The back had rows of seats, Harry sat down and put his bag and bird next to him.

The bloody bird was staring right at him still. Harry shivered. Harry never knew what he did wrong to ruffle its white feathers.

_The evil bastard._

A noisy bunch of redheads shuffle into the row in front of Harry. There was four of them. They all had freckled faces and seemed related. Two people that were identical were mocking the youngest of the crew. The eldest of the group was trying to calm things down. Harry ignored them. The train started moving and the last few people were settling down. A man was making his way down the aisles. He was official looking and was asking for tickets.

Harry froze. He completely forgot. Harry started searching his pockets just to make sure. _Nope no tickets,_ Harry thought_, your a fucking idiot._

The people in front of Harry got up and was making their way down the aisles to the back of the train. One of them caught Harry's eye, "Hey you not have a ticket?"

Harry nodded.

He smirked, "Come with us." Harry got up and walked with them. The group made their way to the back of the car.

The eldest brother counted to three on his fingers and opened the door fast. They rusted through and could hear distantly someone yell, "Wait! Your not allowed to go back there while the trains moving!"

Harry and the brothers laugh. They make it to the caboose without being caught, but they could hear the attendants right behind them. They went to the back of the car. The train was still moving and it was windy outside. Harry's hair was flying everywhere.

"What now?" Harry said. exhilarated.

"Now this," the youngest locked the door. They were stuck.

"What the frick-frack? What's wrong with you? We can't get in," Harry was tugging at the door.

They just laughed and started climbing a ladder on the side of the train. _Their nuts,_ Harry thought. He looked at the people trying to open the door, then at the redheads climbing the roof of the train, behind him at the King's Cross Station. It was a speck now, a distant memory.

"Bye Dad and Da," Harry whispered a tear trickling down his cheek.

He grabbed onto the ladder and hauled himself up. _I'm nuts,_ Harry thought as the wind hit him with its full force. It was so intense that Harry had to drop down to his belly and crall. He went as fast as he could.

Harry finally saw the odd family climbing back into the train through a window. He followed suit. It put such a stain on his muscles that he almost fell down on the tracks. But the thought of being crushed under countless turning wheels just kept him going.

Harry slipped through the window and sat down on a cushioned seat. They appeared to have climbed up the train to a compartment. All the red devils were laughing and high fiving each other. Harry joined in.

Someone slede the door to the compartment open. It was a girl. She had light brown hair that was pulled back in a ponytail, high cheekbones, and looked around his age, "What the hell are you people doing in my compartment?"

Harry blushed. He hasn't see that many girls in his life. Most of the time Harry's been surrounded by the male gender. He thinks back to what that dirty teen said outside his closet door. _Stop that! Those are bad, bad thoughts,_ Harry said to himself. Harry's companions meanwhile, were trying to think of a good excuse.

"Uh, hello. Is this your compartment? Sorry, we were just looking. We're um, tourists. Tour-ist-s," One of the twins said. The girl wasn't impressed. There was noises down the hall. Everyone looked at her pleadingly. She glanced down the hall, then back at us, then shut the door behind her. She sat down; opposite to the redhaired boys and next to me.

"If you were trying to get away from the guards you could of just said so," she said dully. Her voice was bored and slow like nothing was exciting to her.

The eldest brother sat up straight, "Sorry. We thought you were one of those Movie-nier students. Since you even have a compartment."

"Oh no, I am one of those 'Movie-nier' students," the girl said. "The name's Emma."

"My name is Percy," the older teen said. "These are my brothers, Ron-" Percy pointed to the youngest looking bother. Ron had his eyes crossed and his tongue sticking out. Percy pointed to the two others, "-and this is-."

"Fred and George Wesley at your service," they said it at the same time and held out their hands.

Emma shook them, "So you are the famous Wesley's. Ok, cool. And you look familiar, what's your name?" everyone turned to Harry.

"I'm Harry," He said.

"You're not Harry Potter, are you?" Emma said. "I hate that guy."

"No..."

"You're just Harry," She says.

"Yeah, I'm just Harry," Harry Potter confirmed.

* * *

**This is what 'Hagord' was saying:**

*"You mean after you passed out?"

*"Well you were out cold, so I bought you a room to stay in and got all the things on the supply list with that money Daniel gave you."

*"I imagine you have questions."

*"Slow down. I'll explain all of that. Just one by one, okay?"

*"You were one of them, Harry Potter. That's the reason you're famous. Thats why people either love you or hate you, they're still fighting over who they think really ended that war."

*"Well you don't have any noticeable features. Plus no one has seen you in a long time."

*"Yes."

*"Well, time to get you home to your dads. They'll get angry if your gone too long."


End file.
